Nov. 25, 2025

The Illusion of Control in Leading Change: Insights for Construction Leadership

Summary Mini Series Part 2: Building a Stronger Relationship with Change. In this episode of Activating Curiosity, Ryan Ware explores the illusion of control and its impact on leading change within construction leadership development and change management in construction projects. He explains why many construction professionals feel threatened by imposed change and how the desire for control, though comforting, can be misleading. Ryan emphasizes the importance of psychological safety, empat...

Show Notes
Transcript

Summary
Mini Series Part 2: Building a Stronger Relationship with Change.

In this episode of Activating Curiosity, Ryan Ware explores the illusion of control and its impact on leading change within construction leadership development and change management in construction projects. He explains why many construction professionals feel threatened by imposed change and how the desire for control, though comforting, can be misleading.

Ryan emphasizes the importance of psychological safety, empathy, and curiosity in construction coaching as essential tools that foster trust, collaboration, and morale during industry transformations. By adopting curiosity-driven leadership, construction leaders can move beyond the illusion of control to gain clarity and confidence, enabling more effective influence over change.

Listeners will gain insights into mastering construction leadership challenges through human-centered change management strategies and develop construction leadership confidence to navigate the evolving industry landscape. This episode is perfect for professionals aiming to revolutionize construction leadership and embrace curiosity in construction for impactful change.

Tune in to learn practical leadership and management tools to lead construction teams through change with greater trust and effectiveness.

Takeaways

Change can feel very personal, even if you didn't make the first choice.
Control is often an illusion that can hinder progress.
Great leaders are present during change, providing emotional steadiness.
You can influence more by releasing the control you think you have.
Psychological safety is crucial for effective change management.
Empathy is essential when navigating change with others.
Presence in leadership fosters trust and collaboration.
Self-awareness is key to understanding your relationship with change.
Recognizing the illusion of control can lead to greater influence.
Clarity is often elusive, but necessary for embracing change.

Referenced Works & Thinkers in This Episode:

Stephen M.R. Covey — The Speed of Trust
Amy C. Edmondson — The Fearless Organization
Amy C. Edmondson — Right Kind of Wrong: How the Best Teams Use Failure to Succeed
Daniel Kahneman — Thinking, Fast and Slow

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Control and Change
05:12 The Illusion of Control
10:24 Psychological Safety in Leadership
15:03 The Power of Choice
20:45 Letting Go to Gain Influence
25:30 Building Trust Through Presence
28:38 Embracing Change with C

Send us your thoughts, ideas, questions

Connective Consulting Group
Helping construction leaders simplify change, strengthen trust, and move forward with clarity.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Support the show

Follow Ryan at the following:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/ryankware/

https://www.linkedin.com/company/connective-consulting-group-llc

https://connectiveconsultinggrp.com/

https://connective-coaching.com/

https://ryanware.me/

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WEBVTT

00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:06.719
We as humans, we believe that the pain of loss is twice as much of what can be gained.

00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:19.839
And when our own minds will go to that area, like, hey, whatever that gain is, we get the pleasure, the reward, the thing at the other side, like, hey, the option of this change, it could result in pain.

00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:21.839
So therefore, it's valued twice as much.

00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:25.120
So therefore, I need to hold on to this control that I have.

00:00:25.120 --> 00:00:31.440
I need to ensure that I am 100% in control because I only trust myself.

00:00:31.440 --> 00:01:15.359
And I mentioned in the last bonus episode that we were going to focus on our relationship with change and how we could build a stronger relationship with it.

00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:21.040
And that would mean that we needed to break change down into components.

00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:33.359
And in the last episode titled Choice, the Jekyll and Hyde of Change, we began exploring our relationship around choice.

00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:35.680
And that was in two areas.

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First choice, where you as an individual get to decide if you want to make a change in your life, you get to make that choice.

00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:53.680
And it maybe only impacts yourself or can impact others, depending on how big the change is.

00:01:53.680 --> 00:02:08.960
But the same thing for leaders within businesses, organizations, nations, whatever level of leadership that they find themselves in, they more often than not get to make that first choice.

00:02:08.960 --> 00:02:17.840
And the rest of society and the rest of the teams and the rest of those within businesses, they live in second choice.

00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:23.360
And by that second choice, that means how am I going to show up?

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Will I be a willing participant?

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Is this a change that I even want to partake in?

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Once you get this understanding of your relationship with choice and how you feel and react, and you come into the self-awareness, you get to move to that next stage.

00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:53.360
And that is trying to understand your relationship with control as it relates to change.

00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:59.120
And control, well, it's an illusionist.

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It's going to play tricks on your mind.

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It makes you believe something to be true that isn't always true.

00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:21.680
Because I've heard many times those out in the industry or even in relationships and personal life, well, I would make that change if I was 100% in control.

00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:34.400
And I gotta wonder what makes us as individuals believe that even if we're in this second choice, what makes us qualified?

00:03:34.400 --> 00:03:45.919
And why do we believe so much more in ourselves that we have 100% control over the situation that I would make that leap?

00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:54.960
When you sit into second choice and an, you know, an employer, a business, a leader, they're they're choosing.

00:03:54.960 --> 00:04:05.840
It's a merger and acquisition, new stuff, you know, it could be new technology, uh a new process, whatever it is that that business is heading to.

00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:08.879
Like the first choice is already made.

00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:12.319
And now you're in that second choice and you're going to resist it.

00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:15.360
So your choice is well, I didn't get to make it.

00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:18.079
I no one came to me, no one consulted.

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So my choice is I'm going to resist.

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I'm going to control this area that I now own.

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Because we see, we see a lot of times in change that by holding on to control, it's something that we own.

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It's it's personal.

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And this change is going to impact me.

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So therefore, if I can hold on to it stronger in that grip, then I get to protect it because I have some fear of what's about to happen.

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When it comes to control, we can often feel like change is this thing that is a threat to who we are.

00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:14.720
Like whatever the change is that's going to happen within the system, because we didn't make first choice.

00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:23.040
We, for some of us as individuals, we may say, hey, I feel like it's going to make me irrelevant.

00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:29.439
It may be another area where someone said, Hey, this is going to impact me greater than someone else.

00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:34.399
And I'm going to lose something that I was part of before.

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And that is it's a threat.

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It's human.

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It's it's part of our complexity in our minds and how we we think about things.

00:05:45.279 --> 00:06:03.439
The author of Think Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman, he talks about how we as humans believe that the pain of loss is twice as much of what can be gained.

00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:20.000
And when our own minds will go to that area, like, hey, that whatever that gain is we get, the pleasure, the reward, the thing at the other side, like, hey, the option of this change, it could result in pain.

00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:22.319
So therefore, it's valued twice as much.

00:06:22.319 --> 00:06:26.319
So therefore, I need to I need to hold on to this control that I have.

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I need to ensure that I am 100% in control because I only trust myself.

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And in that situation, we're, again, as humans, it's a threat.

00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:49.600
Something's being taken away from us, something I value more than what I believe this change can bring.

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And on the other side of control is that we we look at it like, hey, I didn't make first choice, so therefore, someone is trying to control me.

00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:03.040
And we do not like to be controlled.

00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:06.639
But I have to ask you this question.

00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:19.360
If you don't like being controlled, and you think, hey, I would do this change if I was 100% in control, what's happening to that person on the other side who doesn't want to be controlled either?

00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:48.720
So we have an opportunity as individuals to pause for a moment and start to understand how we think about control as it relates to our own changes we want to make personally, and as we think about change and our relationship with control for things that are happening within our businesses when we didn't make first choice.

00:07:48.720 --> 00:08:08.399
Because if we think control promises comfort, if comfort is everything that I want, you're always going to be stuck because there is never going to be any situation in your life where you can be 100% in control.

00:08:08.399 --> 00:08:26.720
And in our businesses, if you are a leader and driving the change, what most people want and what they're looking for from a leadership level is psychological safety.

00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:33.120
Because without the psychological safety, everyone's going to cling to control.

00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:36.320
They see the fear.

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That loss of identity, loss of everything, that effort that they put into something, it is twice as much as any reward that they can get by the change that you want to see happen.

00:08:56.080 --> 00:08:59.120
And that makes it personal.

00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:01.279
That makes it human.

00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:10.240
You know, something we hear a lot from some leaders or executives within companies is hey, control what you can control.

00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:17.039
And I feel that that is a disservice to what you actually want it to be.

00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:26.480
Because in a lot of cases, when someone hears control what you can control, it sounds like they're telling you to stop whining.

00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:37.039
It's telling you to stop overvaluing things that you are without giving you any true human answer to it.

00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:49.039
And that is why we need to dig into our feelings around control and why it's so important to understand how those feelings drive our actions.

00:09:49.039 --> 00:10:04.240
And the reason that we have to understand this is that in this industry, in most cases, there's very limited opportunities for most of us to have first choice.

00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:10.799
Most of our area within any change is going to fall into second choice.

00:10:10.799 --> 00:10:22.799
And we can sit and we can feel like, hey, I didn't choose this, I didn't want it, I definitely didn't ask for it.

00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:59.039
But if current state of where you are in your career within your team or how a project's going, or how the industry is evolving, if you don't get involved, if you don't look at it from a standpoint of, yeah, I know I didn't make first choice, and see the value of that second choice, you have to ask yourself Am I really choosing to stay here in this current state?

00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:09.679
You see, in the second choice area, how we respond, that is our real power.

00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:16.799
But that's where most individuals and most leaders, that's where we give up power.

00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:21.919
Because we don't see the opportunity during the change.

00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:38.559
We don't see that even though we're sitting in this area of second choice where someone else has made the first choice of the change, we don't understand that by holding on to control, our ability to influence shrinks.

00:11:38.559 --> 00:11:46.000
And that if you are able to let go of that control, then your influence expands.

00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:50.879
And that is something Stephen Covey has discussed in many of his books.

00:11:50.879 --> 00:12:06.080
That you can influence more by releasing the control that you think you want, and that you think if you had 100% of it, it would be better than anyone else leading the church.

00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:13.840
In this area of control, you can think about how you communicate.

00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:19.200
You can think about the type of leader that you want to be through it.

00:12:19.200 --> 00:12:21.440
And a leader isn't a title.

00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:29.840
So even if you're in second choice, you still have the opportunity to lead and influence.

00:12:29.840 --> 00:12:34.159
You have an opportunity to help prepare the team.

00:12:34.159 --> 00:12:39.120
You can look at how you're going to adapt and respond.

00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:49.919
So it's really about how you're going to show up, how you want to participate in that change.

00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:54.960
And that is where true leadership actually begins.

00:12:54.960 --> 00:13:00.000
Let's step back and talk about this illusion again of control.

00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:04.320
Because I think we do, as humans, overvalue it.

00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:13.519
And if we were to think about control being it's almost like we're building up a brick wall around us.

00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:16.639
It is an area that protects us.

00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:31.039
We see it as the higher you build, the more enclosed that you can make it to grip harder onto what you have, that you're going to protect it with everything within you.

00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:39.840
Then as you get into any sort of change and advancement, you lose perspective.

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You lose the space for creativity.

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You lose connection, not only to your to others, but also to yourself.

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Because you've led yourself to believe that it is better for you to hold on tight than to find an area where you could give greater feedback, you could be of more support.

00:14:06.399 --> 00:14:13.200
We think that us as individuals being more in control is leadership.

00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:15.440
And it's just a disguise.

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It's not real.

00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:19.200
It's not valid.

00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:22.879
I've heard over and over again in my career.

00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:27.279
Well, it's just easier if I do it myself.

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Well, I hope you like doing it, because more than likely you'll just keep doing it yourself.

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What is it about you doing it that makes it easier?

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Is it you're not ready to train someone?

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You were too busy to go mentor or to go show someone how to do something.

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And yeah, they may not pick it up exactly the same way you did.

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But that's control.

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You're disguising it.

00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:11.519
You're disguising leadership into this walled off system of control.

00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:23.120
That you aren't going to delegate or help someone else learn something in order to be easier so that you're not doing it the rest of your career.

00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:29.120
And for some people, that that that might be again this area of identity loss.

00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:36.639
And I recognize that that that can be this thing that I've spent so much time on building.

00:15:36.639 --> 00:15:42.559
I put every effort into it, and they will forget about me if it's gone.

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And that can feel so real.

00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:51.759
As I said before, it it is personal.

00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:58.000
Change can feel very personal even if you didn't make the first choice.

00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:10.879
But you can't see control as the lever that you're pulling to give you back the value that you want.

00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:19.600
Because that is where you are allowing fear to be a dressed-up illusion of control.

00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:27.840
And you probably don't even have the control that you think you have in those situations.

00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:45.279
But if we want to be leaders driving that change, if we did make first choice and we want to help all of those who are sitting in second choice area, then we can work with them on creating that psychological safety.

00:16:45.279 --> 00:17:04.319
But if we allow it to drop, if we allow everyone to live into this area of fear and where they're all controlling their little zones or in belief of what they're controlling in those zones, then everyone stops learning.

00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:14.160
Everyone will stop experimenting, the questions stop, the feedback stops, people stop reaching out.

00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:28.799
And that's something that Amy Edmondson has talked about in many of her articles and books is that you want psychological safety, well, then you got to ensure that all of those things are happening.

00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:33.759
Because that is actually where real safety comes in.

00:17:33.759 --> 00:17:36.720
That is where stability can happen.

00:17:36.720 --> 00:18:06.319
That area of psychological safety is where the root ones allowing themselves to release the grip, allowing themselves to understand that the control that they do have is 100% on how they show up, and 100% on the things that are going to happen during the change, not holding on to what they've always had.

00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:10.000
That is an illusion.

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:21.440
So the area that actually is about making sure that we're stable and that everything is steady is it it is about showing up.

00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:26.000
It's about being present in that change.

00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:40.079
It's about seeing that control really is you understanding that you don't have to have all the answers, that perfection is not the bar.

00:18:40.079 --> 00:18:47.680
And that you will never be 100% certain of anything.

00:18:47.680 --> 00:19:08.960
When you are 100% present in that situation, even in the shakiest of times, you have more control than you ever would by holding on to other things in the past and resisting the change and not speaking up and removing your voice.

00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:13.759
Great leaders are present during the change.

00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:31.200
And in most change than companies, leaders who disappear and don't have presence and try to rush through it when everyone is holding on to the control, that's those areas when the change initiatives do not work.

00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:33.680
They fail to meet their goals.

00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:49.920
And a leader who is present and shows presence with their team and their divisions and even individuals who are part of the change when you are 100% present, everyone's able to keep calm.

00:19:49.920 --> 00:20:09.920
You are able to drive more influence because you're being intentional about focusing your energy and all of your efforts, you're aligning your communication and you're providing people with more emotional steadiness.

00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:16.720
That area of, hey, I feel like I'm losing something.

00:20:16.720 --> 00:20:18.720
You recognize that.

00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:21.359
You have conversations about it.

00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:26.319
You get your team to understand, like, hey, we're human.

00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:30.000
This change isn't going to be easy.

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.799
But if we tighten our grip, we'll probably be micromanaging things.

00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:40.319
That we won't let go of stuff, that it probably isn't going to work.

00:20:40.319 --> 00:20:44.400
And that's why we end up in change fatigue.

00:20:44.400 --> 00:20:51.680
If we recognize that control is an illusion as a team, then we'll actually see safety in something else.

00:20:51.680 --> 00:21:09.119
If we name the fear that we're having, if we have the psychological safety to be able to talk through it and say, here's what I fear, then we'll be in our highest level of presence.

00:21:09.119 --> 00:21:14.000
It'll allow us to release the grip.

00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:28.160
And by doing all of those things, by choosing presence over everything else as a leader and as an individual going through the chain, you will only enhance and strengthen trust in one another.

00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:38.799
Going back to why you thought, hey, it's just easier if I do it myself, or I would do it if I had 100% control.

00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.440
You trusted yourself over everyone else.

00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:51.519
But when you go through this as a team, being present with one another and listening and talking, you are building trust.

00:21:51.519 --> 00:22:01.119
You are understanding how you feel about control, and you're understanding how they feel about control.

00:22:01.119 --> 00:22:10.079
And that is where you start to redefine control as being present.

00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:23.920
You're more in control in that area than you ever were, based off of maybe past beliefs of what control actually meant to you and how your relationship with control was defined.

00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:30.880
Because real control is about understanding how to respond.

00:22:30.880 --> 00:23:01.200
So when you're talking about your fears out loud, when you understand your behaviors, when you realize that your voice is important for influencing, and that that is more control than you ever had, when you're able to communicate clearly and assess where your energy is going, that is where you are becoming a leader.

00:23:01.200 --> 00:23:06.240
That is where real change and real impact can happen.

00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:18.799
I've said it several times that in the architectural and engineering and construction industry, more often than not, we are going to be in second choice.

00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:30.559
There are very few individuals in this eight to 10 million that work within the construction industry that are going to have first choice every single time.

00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:43.440
So it when you are into second choice, you still get to own 100% of how you show up in that second choice.

00:23:43.440 --> 00:24:02.559
You still get to own 100% of your communication, and you stop trying to control those things that are unimportant, unaligned, and you really start to influence those things that actually matter.

00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:07.759
So control can feel like pain.

00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:11.279
It can feel like you're losing something.

00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:20.799
It can feel like you need to tighten that grip because you're in an area of low psychological safety.

00:24:20.799 --> 00:24:47.680
And we need to remember that we actually can influence things at a higher level when we are present, when we are focused, when we're intentional about where we're going to give our attention, that our attention goes to those things that are important to us during the change that we would like to participate in.

00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:53.920
Because control as safety is only an illusion.

00:24:53.920 --> 00:25:02.799
So take a step back and understand your relationship with change.

00:25:02.799 --> 00:25:03.920
Question yourself.

00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:07.279
Why am I feeling this way in this moment?

00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:14.960
But what is it about this change that is making me feel like I'm going to lose something?

00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:16.720
Is that a real feeling?

00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:18.400
What is it that I'm losing?

00:25:18.400 --> 00:25:20.079
What was the value of it?

00:25:20.079 --> 00:25:24.079
Is it valid in this current situation?

00:25:24.079 --> 00:25:33.759
Do I need to tighten my grip or is that just an allusion to the reality?

00:25:33.759 --> 00:25:42.079
What can I do if I focus my attention and being present on influencing this change?

00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:53.759
So that is the second component that we needed to focus on as it relates to strengthening our relationship with change.

00:25:53.759 --> 00:26:00.640
We've talked about choice and the couple areas that that exists.

00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:05.920
And we've talked about what control might mean.

00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:09.519
And it could mean something different to you.

00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:11.759
And that's okay.

00:26:11.759 --> 00:26:20.400
But I want you to take that step back and analyze it and figure it out for yourself.

00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:32.559
But when you think about that for yourself, you have to think that there's in most cases with change inside of businesses, you're not alone.

00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:46.559
So you have to understand the empathy that is going to be required from you, even if you are someone who feels impact to that first choice.

00:26:46.559 --> 00:26:51.200
That there are others probably feeling something very similar to you.

00:26:51.200 --> 00:26:54.400
And that it's okay to name it.

00:26:54.400 --> 00:26:56.880
It's okay to talk through it.

00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:06.319
Because once you have strengthened your relationship in those first two areas, it takes you to the third component of change.

00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:10.880
And that is really where the fear starts to boil up.

00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:13.279
And that is called clarity.

00:27:13.279 --> 00:27:28.880
Because, like control, a lot of us don't want to take on change until there's 100% clarity.

00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:34.319
And well, 100% clarity is like a Sasquatch.

00:27:34.319 --> 00:27:39.039
You think it exists, but you've never seen it.

00:27:39.039 --> 00:27:46.079
So how do you go through change when you will not have 100% clarity?

00:27:46.079 --> 00:27:56.559
So, in order to strengthen our overall relationship with change, we're going to focus on clarity in the next episode.

00:27:56.559 --> 00:28:30.880
I hope that you are able to begin to look at each of these components we've discussed thus far, choice and control, and that you start to analyze how you feel as it relates to those areas within change, so that you're always recognizing them as they come up, and that you give yourself that time and you give yourself that space and you give yourself that empathy, as well as you giving it to others around you so that you are leading the change that you want to.

00:28:31.039 --> 00:28:56.480
Until next time, I hope you stay well and I hope you continue activating curiosity within yourself and with the

The Illusion of Control in Leading Change: Insights for Construction Leadership

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